Dear Reader,

What's your Attachment Style with Money and is it toxic?

Last night, I hosted the 4th MONEY TALKS - my monthly workshop on improving our relationship with money - at the House of Koko members club... and I’m still thinking about it.

The theme was Attachment Styles, But For Money.

The same way we have a way of showing up in love (anxious, avoidant, secure, or some messy combination), we have a specific dynamic with money. And most of us have never intentionally looked at it.

Last night, we did. We got honest. Really honest.

Several women "admitted" to irrational money behaviours and apologised for “oversharing” when really, their honesty and courage made us feel seen in our own contradictory glory.

Common themes were not-looking (at our balances, statements, credit card debt), making a big purchase without blinking but then beating ourselves up over something small and how to get paid fairly for the value we add.

I’m no financial expert & there’s no shortage of finance content.

What's missing is a safe, warm, honest place - in our case, The Penthouse, a glamorous, panelled 1970s room - to talk about how money actually makes us feel. To address the inner block that stop us from opening that stocks and shares ISA or the fear that has us doing the most without ever feeling we're safe.

Afterwards, we gathered for drinks and dinner and kept the conversation about money going - how it affects our relationships, confidence and even our parenting.

It was a beautiful, empowering evening.

I built the Attachment Styles for Money angle on the work of psychologists Brad and Ted Klontz. Their research found that most of us run on one of 4 “money scripts.” Just like adult attachment styles, they’re based on beliefs we came by honestly, from what we saw and felt in childhood:

• Avoidance: money is bad or corrupting
• Focus: money is the key to happiness/ answer to your problems
• Status: your net worth reflects your worth
• Vigilance: the more careful you are, the safer you’ll be

Many of us swing between them and none of these are character flaws. They’re mostly subconscious and made complete sense at the time when we inherited them. You might just feel limited by them now, and want to choose differently for who you’re becoming, which is 100% possible. The first step is simply awareness.

If you’re curious, take the free Klontz Money Script quiz here. I’d love to know what it says. Mine used to be Avoidance and Status. Through consistent mindfulness and behaviour changes over the last five years, I’ve become far more Secure in my relationship with money. More on how I did that in another newsletter soon.

But first, a request: let’s talk more about money.

Boys grow up overhearing men talk about money - deals, markets, negotiation, risk - and get comfortable and financially literate early, almost by osmosis. Many of us have to consciously work at it much later, usually after painful mistakes and years of lost compounding nobody warned us about. But it's not too late for us to change that. So let's start talking about it, learning from each other and getting more comfortable with it.

Forward this to one woman you’d love to start talking money with. Do the quiz. Compare results. Just chat about it.

Money is our lifelong companion. We can’t escape it, so we may as well become friends.

With Love,
Pia

P.S. The next MONEY TALKS “Spend It Like You Mean It” is on Monday 23rd November. It'll be on aligning your spending with your values, goals and dreams. House of Koko have given me a few passes for non-members, so if you’d like one, hit reply.